To Kylie Jenner, 2016 was the year of realizing stuff and to America, it might as well be the beginning of the apocalypse.
To me, it was a mixture of both…and more.
Let’s start at the very beginning. As an overly negative individual, surprisingly I am able to start every new year with a positive outlook. I had high hopes for 2016. But it didn’t take me long to completely diminish those hopeful thoughts because I fell ill. Not the weak kind that makes people pity me. The horrible kind that drives paranoid out of my mind.
We found out that I have hyperthyroidism – it’s a complicated illness that you can always Google! I’ve gotten sick of explaining it to people. But an illness is an illness, you can’t seriously expect rainbows and unicorns.
I was terrified of being in a sea of people, terrified of having too many eyes on me, terrified of people my age. Panic attacks was just something I had to swallow down in the middle of classes.
But it wasn’t long until a worse form of illness came to attack me – dengue fever. Out of all the diseases I could have. I had dengue fever and I was sure some of my anxiety caused it. Because I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t calm down. I was trembling inside my skin.
I’ve walked on Earth for twenty years, flown to multiple continents, and I’ve never been hospitalized. Until dengue fever.
I’m positive it was one of the lowest points of my life – I had never been so miserable.
And it wasn’t only the sickness, it wasn’t just the hospital – there were countless external complications that wouldn’t leave me alone.
I should’ve hated being in the hospital, stuck in a generic bed that had been slept on by multiple people before me and who knows? – someone might’ve died on the very same mattress, the very same sheets. But I preferred it than being in the classroom – and I hated the hospital.
I still remember my cry for help because I couldn’t even pee like a normal person, “What did I do to deserve this?!”
Surprisingly, it was worse once I was back in the classes. Yes, some of the burdens had been taken care of. But it was a living hell – I willingly walked myself into a living hell every single day. Nothing made me happy and I emailed a bunch of community colleges in the US and made this power point presentation to convince my parents to let me go.
But life is funny, too humorous to let you down when you’ve cried yourself to sleep every night.
It was almost like it had been taking notes of the horrible things that had happened to me:
“Okay, let’s see the list of the horrible things that’s happened to her these couple of months…
Horrible almost panic attacks?”
“Hospitalized for almost two weeks?”
“Having zero friends she actually trusts.”
“Getting a shitty role in the school musical?”
“An endless supply of anxiety?
“Feeling like she’s never good enough?”
“A check for every day of the last month.”
“And what about crying herself to sleep every night?”
“Don’t act like you haven’t heard her.”
“Okay, let’s list the good things down now.”
(I’m not really sure who this conversation might have involved. I just feel like it happened somewhere in the middle of May.)
I was basically Dory, cluelessly swimming through a massive sea full of things I had no knowledge about, by myself. Then finally I found Marlin.
Finally. Finally. Finally.
Around that time things had begun looking up.
It’s a cringe-fest and totally cliche. But one night I was going home, listening to sad songs, looking out of the window, crying over something upsetting that had happened a couple hours earlier.
Life has the best timing, I swear.
I got a text from this guy, whose name I won’t mention, who I’ve liked for a very long time. I’m talking about huge chunks of years.
I think the funniest thing is that he didn’t know how much he helped me and the fact that we didn’t know what was about to ensue, how many more days we were going to talk to each other
With the absurd fear that he will read this, I just want to say…as a writer, a daydreamer – I make a lot of things up. I fabricate conversations that had never happened and will never transpire. So I was enveloped in the this is totally going to happen feeling, the after so many years! feeling. That was why, I think, I was insanely confident of where it was going.
Let me spare you the whole story that would keep you overly hopeful but ended on the most disappointing note – nothing happened.
And it’s left me craving for some closure. But maybe I deserved it. For all the conversations we’d never had but I’ve made in my mind. For all the days that were never coming but I’ve designed to the very last detail.
This had ended in my friends telling me to: “Chuck him in a drawer.”
Like a solo sock, which counterpart you’ve lost.
I think hope might be the most dangerous weapon in the universe.
But don’t worry, as I’ve said things had been looking up. The second half of 2016 was fun (for the most part). I came up with an idea for a book around the same time that guy reappeared in my life and now I’m in the middle of finishing it. Huzzah! My first book ever – despite the fact that I’m not publishing it, nor do I have plans of it for the future.
Soon after that, I flew to London. Had one of the best times of my life. I SAW HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that day, I swear to God.
So yeah – the lowest point of my life had been countered by the highest point in my life. Plus, I actually talked to Anthony Boyle and he was incredibly sweet.
I was skeptical when the new semester rolled in. But things went shockingly great.
I FOUND FRIENDS!!!
Friends who I actually like. And I also patched some severed friendships up. At least if I were to die tomorrow, there would be no unfinished business – you know, except with that one guy.
I have to say, I feel like this year had been the year of friendship.
I would’ve never imagined that I would be the kind of person to meet people from all over the world and actually befriend them. I had substantial conversations with strangers in London. I fixed things with the ex-friend and now we’re civilized. I’m talking with that guy again after…I don’t know – a year? Regardless the fact that it didn’t end great. I got to know some of my favorite people ever because of my current group. I made sure my friend who I’ve kind of lost contact with know that albeit the lack of contact between us, she still matters deeply to me. And most importantly, I regained back a friendship from when I was in elementary school and she remains one of my best friends ever – she might just be one of the people who actually gets me.
It’s been ridiculously great and I’m so grateful for every single soul that I’ve connected with. Because at one point in the beginning of the year, I was moaning over my lack of faith in humanity.
All I could think is: “Thank God I didn’t kill myself, ha.”
I’m not saying that my life has effectively detoxed itself from problems. Life would simply not be life that way.
At least now I’m ending this year on a good note. Even though I’m spending this very hour, the beginning of the new year, in my parents room, on the sofa, watching SKAM. Even though I’m currently anxious about my final exam, finishing my book, getting my secondhand book instagram up, reading more books, writing more personal essays and taking IELTS classes and actually taking the tests, the three-week school trip to the countryside when I’m going to be completely out of touch and probably disconnected from the internet, the new semester after, my parents’s decision of my transfer, blablabla – there are just too many things.
But there is absolutely nothing that I can do, except to suck it up and do it. Just fucking do it and see where all my effort take me.
PS. I’m reviving this little blog. It will no longer be just about books, but it’s going to be about me. (So self-centered, pfft, I know.)